bonjour, sqiff

i've not been working much over the last couple of weeks, so i'm feeling stressed. at the very start of the month, i turned down a handful of shifts because my partner and i just moved, and i wanted a few days to settle. i assumed i'd be getting similar numbers of shift offers for last week, but i've had nothing since the 7th.

it's been just over a month since i signed up for a casting agency to help get jobs as an extra, and although i've had my availability asked for several things i've not been picked once yet. i've been feeling bad about how i look, how i dress, and my lack of achievements. i've stopped using the term 'homeschooled' to describe my childhood, because it's too legitimising. i was simply never sent to school.

why not?
i remember when i was a child, and other kids asked me why i didn't go to school, i never really knew how to answer them. if i actually give the reason that my parents gave me, i sound insane: my parents thought that sending me to school would be so bad for me, that taking on full responsibility of my (and my sisters') education while having no teching experience, extremely little money and being based on an island with a population of under 500 was a great idea. they still think this was the best course of action, and that it's all The System's fault that i've struggled throughout my life.
i try my best to say something short and not so agonisingly depressing: they just didn't, i don't quite know myself, they're insane... all non-answers that don't really explain anything. i don't really see a middle ground between explaining nothing, and traumadumping immediately. and i don't want how i was raised to be my defining characteristic. becoming an adult has been so hard. i don't feel like i'm 'falling behind' so much as going down a totally different route, like i went down the wrong side when the road forked and now everyone is going west as i'm going east. eventually the roads may converge, but until they do i've got no guidance and no idea where i am.

...

the scottish international film festival 2024 ran from the 8-12th. as of writing this it's still technically happening, but today is the final day. i've attended 3 events, and will attend my 4th and final one tonight. overall i've had a great time, and seen some incredible short films. my favourites that i've seen are cesspit of freedom (2022), strokes (2023), dr. xyz (2024), and a border of flat stones (2023). tonight i'll be going to the after party, so i've seen everything i'll get to see already...
i wanted to go to more events, but wasn't sure if i'd be working. this has not helped my mood or the stress over money, but it is what it is.

...

during sqiff, there was meant to be an exhibition about bonjour, a queer community hub/bar/venue/other things that closed down in 2023. i'd planned to post my own photos of the place on the opening day, but it got cancelled and i only found out on the day. still, i thought i'd post my photos of the bonjour bathrooms, from the one time i was actually able to go. i'm sure i have at least one more, but here they are:

image descriptions to come. i'm sorry for having no idea how to do these.

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