fffuck !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am stressed.

i've signed up to a couple of casting agencies now, one of which i have an actual interview for on the 8th. i've applied to some urgent calls for extras in both glasgow & edinburgh, so hopefully i get some of those. i don't have any work until the 7th and don't quite know how much money i'll have over the next few months, which is Quite Scary.

housing is really hard. i'm going to try and do a flatshare with some people i've met (! yay) but we still don't know where we'll actually end up. i have a lot of regrets about how the last year, and specifically the last few months, have gone. i'm kind of trying to do everything all at once and it's scary... i'm just trying not to give up. i know i can make everything work soon if i really try.

i've been really terrible. lazy, but mostly just dumb. i don't know anything. it's kind of humiliating. i hate talking about myself when i meet people irl... you can't easily ask me innocuous questions, because absolutely everything has some terrible trauma-dumping answer. and i'm just an embarassing person. i like to think of myself as somebody with wasted potential, but that's probably just a nice lie i tell myself.

...

i don't know if i ever had a chance. i know i just said i don't want to give up and i know i can make it work. maybe i'm just telling myself that because i'm not ready to accept reality. i don't know. i thought writing things down would make me feel better, but it isn't, so i'm going to go and do something more productive.

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