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29/07/24

so far this year has been particularly stressful. i'd like to think i'm getting to the end of that stressful period, but i unfortunately think i'm only about halfway through it. i still have a bunch of medical things to take care of, and i've sent off all these applications for gigs i likely won't get. last year i had this insane fantasy of doing something in the edinburgh fringe this year... well, that's definitely not going to happen.

i'm really struggling to put things into words lately. i haven't talked about this on here yet, because it's embarassing and stressful to think about, but i think enough time has passed now that i can. i applied for an advocacy job last year, which after an interview i was half-offered... because the org couldn't actually offer it to me, due to their funding being cut. i then got offered it again, but i managed to fuck myself over by doing some beaurocracy wrong. i won't go into the details about it, because it's genuinely embarassing and to fully explain it all i'd probably have to explain all the shit with my old job... the job that i got fired from, due to a combination of my mental health + their incompetency. i try not to beat myself up over that, because when i have told people the full story they've told me i could sue them. i won't be doing that, but at least i can feel morally superior i guess.

anyway. i have an event steward job now, and i've got an offer for a second one (they're both ad-hoc hours, and you're encouraged to work with multiple companies). before starting the second one i've had to phone hmrc to sort something out, which meant being on hold for over half an hour. the call itself was under 10 mins. horrible!

...genuinely, i'm sure they make the experience of being on hold with them as excruciating as possible so that you give up. i have horrible phone anxiety, and wouldn't have been able to do this without my boyfriend with me. i mean, really i should have made this phone call in 2019. maybe that's oversharing, i'm definitely telling the internet more than i would tell a lot of friends, but that's what blogs are for.

so it's nearly august and i've been on my Living In The Big City adventure for over a year. i've had 2 birthdays and gone to 3 pride events. soon i'll be going to the fringe again, and the possibility of moving to edinburgh in the autumn is definitely on the table. i've been employed since may, and will hopefully start getting enough money to actually notice that starting from my next pay day. i've applied for a couple of acting jobs, and plan to keep doing that for as long as possible.

obviously when i lost my salaried 9-5 job offer i was distraught. i couldn't speak, i felt numb, the muscles in my body all went limp. that's always been how my body has reacted to intense feelings of depression/anxiety - it's like i internally shut down. really, though, the thing i was the most upset about was how much harder this would make it to move.

as context for that: the basic gist is that a few years ago my maternal grandfather died. mum, wanting to eventually move to glasgow (where price of property were conveniently low), bought a house with the inheritance. they (mum and at least one sister) weren't ready to move yet, so my boyfriend and i moved down first. this gave us the ability to look for jobs, without having to do that and a house at the same time. despite multiple responsible adults assuring me this would be easy, it took me almost a year to actually get employed (sure, this was about 75% my fault - i had no idea how to make a cv). i guess really the fact that a bunch of 50+ year olds in a remote area were unaware of what it's like to be in your 20s in a big city shouldn't be too shocking, but i took a big mental hit during the winter. it was particularly shit that on two occasions, i had trial shifts with lush... and got the job neither time. i mean holy shit!

anyway, mum and at least one sister will be moving down in september. this is a 2 bedroom house, i have a nervous cat, and they have 2 poorly trained dogs. moving is becoming imperative. the advoacy job would have made me a 'professional' which would have made it substantially easier to rent. fuck man, it would have made getting a mortgage possible - i was almost literally middle class!!!! - and without it i'm concerned getting a place is going to be difficult. i have plans, but they'll need to be put into action really quickly, and alongside work and travelling for medical things (which i will not be going into)... so you see, don't think i'm quoite over this stressful patch.

i was always scared about the advoacy job. if you've been reading my blog (email me right now) then you'll have seen my limp attempts at potentially monetiseable creative pursuits. being self-employed has a lot of benefits, but i don't think i can do it longterm as a main job because my brain is just horrid. at the start of the year i was feeling especially bad about being a chronic quitter, and had decided that being A Creative was not for me. that i should stop being so narcissistic as to think i have anything to offer the world myself, and i should dedicate my miserable little self to helping others instead (hence wanting the advocacy job- my second application to work for a charity). well, maybe i am a narcissist on the verge of a mental breakdown, but ever since i got the initial offer i was getting visions of myself as a dying 80 year old, regretting not even really trying to have a creative career. losing that job felt like the universe giving me a message: you are a fucking idiot who should die you really aren't meant to be in a normal 9-5 job, you're meant to struggle and try to make things, and maybe one day make some money from it. it helped that i had got my current job in the meantime, which originally i planned to do temporarily. getting it really did save me from being swallowed by despair entirely, i think.

people at work keep asking me what i'd like to do and i wish i had a better answer. right now i'm just sure i want to do something that involves performing. i met a clown the other day, and i've been thinking about that. one job i've applied for is as a kids' entertainer, and if i get that i'll be seriously considering how it goes. in my heart i want to do some kind of sexy gothic horror something-or-other. i'll never be in an actual 80s slasher which makes me wonder if there's any point in anything, but a chance to be in any kind of horror project would be perfect. i'd like to put together some kind of original show about feelings of isolation and inadequacy. i'm not sure if i want to go down the standup comedy route, or take the easy way out and make inaccessible experimental theatre. either way, i'll be trying to give it some serious thought over the next few months. if we move to edinburgh, i'll actually try to make it a thing

so how am i feeling currently??? i'm riding the high of getting that hmrc phone call done after 5 years, it is a bit of ambient anxiety i don't need to worry about anymore. i feel like i can do anything! despite you know, being kind of lightheaded and tense. over the next year i will make my debut with some kind of professional performing. probably...

ok, writing this all out has been good i think. i should try making proper diary-type posts more often

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