fighting brain fog

mon 09

i'm writing this on a library computer, directly into the neocities code editor. i'm here to use the printer for labels to send things off that i've sold on depop. i'm very glad i got into using depop, i think i've made over £100 on it now and it's actually done me good to have to respond to messages (even if i suck at that).

yesterday was the first anniversary of me & my boyfriend. we went to the purrple cat cafe to celebrate it - i'll add photos later on. it was pretty special. we went to the last slot of the day, which meant we got to watch the cats go to bed. what does that mean? the staff do a slow clap while saying 'thank you' to the 36 resident cats, and they all run to the back of the cafe into a cozy room where they all sleep. watching it was close to magical... we'll definitely be going back & at the end of the day again.

i realised the other day, the 2nd, was my 4th anniversary since starting hrt.

lately i keep missing dates. i've always been bad at them. last year my partner and i (so this was a joint effort at least) somehow lost a day and thought it was halloween on the first of nov. a few years prior, i didn't realise it was my then-gf and my anniversary i got in trouble with work around christmas one year, because i missed some shifts. in my defense, i wasn't the oly one who couldn't make out that rota... but i think the biggest thing was that it was the winter i was on flexifurlough. this meant my shifts were few and far between, and sometimes i went a full week without one. work said this made me missing the ones i did into a bigger deal, which i understand from their perspective, but from mine, it was how infrequent they were that madeit so difficult for me to keep track.

i don't think i ever talked to my then-parnet about it because i was ashamed of myself. if i recall correctly, i told one very close friend about it to get it off my chest. i probably should have told more friends about it to get advice/support, but my anxiety over messing up and disappointing people overtook it

i often wonder how i ever managed to work full time. at one point i was working 50+ hours a week, with a bizarre, inconsistent shift pattern that makes my head hurt to think about. i managed to get through it mainly by sacrificng thinking about anything else. i hardly watched tv or played games, talked to friends, or went a day without panic-checking my rota once for every finger i have. my creativity plummetted, and i think this period is a large part of why i'm having such a difficult time getting back into making things (ie. my felt cats, which i've made a few of in a week rather than a few every day like i wanted)

i'll finish this post later. i have to get back to what i initially came here to do

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